пропозиції роботи
Wypowiedzi
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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts then fall asleep after each work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 10.05.08 o godzinie 09:38 -
Those of us who haven't got the nerve to ask directly for sex, even with the contents of half a brewery poured down our throats, must fall back on the good old-fashioned chat up lines.
Here's how it usually works for me:
Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
Man “Is this seat empty?”
Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
Man “Your place or mine?”
Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman “It’s in the phone book.”
Man “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman “That’s in the phone book too.”
Man “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman “I’m a female impersonator.”
Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman “Do Not Enter”
Man “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman “Then please leave me alone.”
Man “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
Man “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the sexual diseases clinic.”
Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy"
Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
Man “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?
But do I get downhearted?? Err... yeah, I do :( -
I was going to post the Two Ronnies classics but I see Jamie has already done so.
But there's another brilliant sketch of theirs (Crossed Lines):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmstSBGh-Uo
I'm afraid you might need to be british to appreciate the true genius of this.
"and Cox's Pippins" -
Turns out I'm a baseball star in the USA, when I'm not in Warsaw teaching English.
It's encouraging that one can excel at something without even knowing the rules of the game.
So it's three home runs and a strike out, and then I should hopefully get beyond fourth base. -
Derek Jameson must be spinning in his grave... unless he isn't dead yet.
http://uk.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUKL09417801200... -
can't imagine why this story is #1 most emailed and most read:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm -
Keith Byrne:
I was this close to going out and demanding my money back plus damages for life hours lost!
That reminds me of a line from a film review I once read: "Anyone who pays ten bucks to see this movie should demand 11 bucks change." -
Grzegorz: I'm not sure how you're doing, especially as I haven't seen two of the three films you mention, but any film which features Natalie Portman lapdancing can hardly be a candidate for worst film of all time.
Rafal: Looks like your setting a pretty high mark. So high that I'm already trying to download that film on BitTorrent.
However, remember that we don't want films that are so bad that they're good. We want films that are so bad they've gone all the way around to good and then back to bad again.Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 29.04.08 o godzinie 01:14 -
We had a thread recently on people's favourite films.
Whilst offering us a chance to to go back down memory lane, as well as reveal a little of ourselves to others, the contributions were marked by a depressing uniformity of quality and an unseemly hint of excellence.
In order to redress the balance, I thought it would be fun to ask people what they regarded as the most dreadful cinematic abortion ever committed to celluloid. The cheesy, the ludicrous, the unfunny, the predictably dismal and the dismally predictable.
Inside every Francis Ford Coppola, there's an Ed Wood struggling to get out, so it's time to give him his chance to speak.
I'll get the ball rolling and start with a mesmerisingly frightful (but not frightening) horror film.... Halloween 3.
Anyone who can top that gets my sympathy!Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 29.04.08 o godzinie 00:26 -
The results weren't half as tragic as I was expecting. Got my 2 favourite characters at the top of the list.
Your results:
Jean-Luc Picard 75%
Dr Spock 59%
Deanna Troi 55%
A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.
Thank god Wesley Crusher appeared nowhere on the list. Anything
higher than minus infinity for him and I'd be sweating.Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 29.04.08 o godzinie 00:09 -
I'm struggling to see the difference with John Travolta... and Cameron Diaz still has perfect teeth - enough to get her kicked out of any self-respecting redneck club.
Cruise looks like he's been busted back down to Operating Thetan Level 3.
Oh well, another couple of hundred thousand bucks handed over to the church of L. Ron should fix that.
.... awaiting lawsuits -
Three nuns were sitting in a park. A flasher came up to them and exposed himself. The elderly and frail Mother Superior, took one look and immediately had a stroke. The second nun, as old and frail as the Mother superior, also had a stroke.
The third nun wouldn't touch him.
Oh my gawd, I'm heading straight for the fires of damnation, but as they say - Heaven for climate, Hell for company. -
Can't have a joke thread without a word from Little Johnhy:
Little Johnhy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father?
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,’” I said “6″, replies Johnhy.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?’”
“What’s the f…… difference?” asks the father.
“That’s exactly what I said!”
And a good tase Nun Joke too
Father O'Malley was confronted by a prostitute as he rode back to the monastery. "Hey Father, fancy a trick for twenty bucks?". Not knowing what she was alluding to, he politely declined. A few minutes later another prostitute offered him a 'trick', again for twenty bucks. Once again he said no. When he finally got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him and he went to ask a nun. "Sister, please could you tell me - what's a trick?". "Twenty bucks", she replied, "just the same as in town". -
and as we're talking about serious 'wrist action', nobody can hold a candle to this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JohVegSM7pc
16000 RPM.... that'd make the eyes water. :-0 -
I went to Texas a while back and met that fellow Dubya when he was just in charge of a state rather than the whole world.
Thoroughly nice chap. A bit slow though, and I had to set him straight on a few things.
Has anyone else been photographed while shaking hands with the governor?
Sorry keith, if that was a rip off of your #2, but since you bashed the bishop so hard, I think you should make amends and start pleasing the pope instead!
And since we're in a Finbarr Saunders mood, here's something else in a smutty vein. This is from one of the most well-known childrens programmes of the 70s- after watching it you might understand a lot more about the British psyche!
Rainbow Twanger -
Can't resist sticking my oar in on a film thread, so here goes...
[country of origin shown for some of the less well known ones]
Ikiru [JAP] (probably most poignant film ever made)
Once Upon A Time In The West (brilliant score, classic casting, wonderful screenplay & quotes)
Sonatine [JAP]
Three Colours Blue (loved the other two also but this was the most sublime)
The Big Lebowski
Pulp Fiction (both this film and Lebowski are endlessly quotable)
Life is Sweet (Mike Leigh's finest hour)
Ostrov (RUS)
The Proposition (AUS)
The Wicker Man (obviously the orig version, not the sequel - which deserves to be burned!)
Fargo ("Jeez, I'm going crazy, out here on the lake")
Duck Soup
Annie Hall
Spirited Away (anime masterpiece from Miyazaki)
Life of Brian (closest I ever came to literally dying of laughter)
Partie de Campagne (FRA)
Closely Observed Trains (CZE)
The Matrix
Bladerunner (would sacrifice a limb to see the final cut on the big screen)
The Thing (schlock horror from Carpenter.. great fun!)
Seven Samurai
Seventh Seal
Fanny & Alexander (technically not a film I guess but absolutely outstanding)
Requiem For A Dream (stunning closing sequence)
Andrei Rublev (RUS)
Ghost in the Shell (pretentious drivel in parts, but brilliantly animated and superb soundtrack)
Dr Strangelove (there'll never be another Peter Sellers)
American Graffiti (after that, Lucas did some mangy sci-fi thingy)
The Last Picture Show
The Conversation
Phew! Glad to get that off my chest :) -
Ahah! Father Ted was fantastic - but I didn't include that because I was talking about recent years and that one goes back a bit further. Oh, and because it's Irish and not British, which is what Patrycja was talking about.
And talking of Ahah! Let's not forget "I'm Alan Partridge" either (the first series that had him living in the motel, not the poor second one, although that did feature one memorable scene which had him dry-vomiting his way through a motivational speech about fireplaces - one of the few times in my life when I thought I might literally die from laughing too much)
Warren, if you haven't checked out Spaced, you should start now.Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 08.04.08 o godzinie 00:48 -
Err... sorry for being late to the party but did noone else see this for the whopper it was? Especially with the date being April 1st and the author a certain "Avril de Poisson".
Some of the jokes were quite funny though, particularly the quote at the end from the French 'cultural attache': "We have been working absolutely round the clock, from 9am to 3pm, just to keep up." -
For me Eastern Europe starts when you cross the Vistula.
That view is quite common if you live in Warsaw on the Left Bank, like I do. Just take a trip across on the SKM to Warszawa Wschodnia and you'll understand!
And, yes, this winter was an absolute horror-show - unrelentingly grey and depressing. At one time I remember thinking that it must've been 20 days since I last saw the sun. I don't mind how cold it gets (within reason) but without sunlight I start to slowly die inside.
I never thought I'd find a place where the winters were even more miserable and downbeat than in the UK. :( -
Spaced is probably my favourite comedy of the last ten years, just shading League of Gentlemen and The Office.
The fact that the main character was an uber-geek called Tim who had a fixation with Gillian Anderson and a mania for spotting film references made me think that Simon Pegg had met me in the pub and based the series off me!
Black Books was also excellent.
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