Temat: Late Night Political Jokes
I just love these guys ;)"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The federal government announced that the economy lost jobs for the fourth straight month in a row. But President Bush tried to turn it around by saying, 'The good news is, we anticipated this.' See, that's the good news. So what is he saying? 'See, I knew I was going to screw up the economy. And guess what. I was right.' All of a sudden, that response to Hurricane Katrina is starting to make sense now." --Jay Leno
"Well, the Pentagon announced a new policy aimed at reducing the stigma associated with seeing a psychiatrist. It says soldiers and military people who need counseling with a psychiatrist will no longer have to mention that when they apply for a job with a high security clearance. I think that's a good policy. Look, if you work for the Pentagon and you buy a hammer for $9,000, you should be able to see a psychiatrist." --Jay Leno
"I want to apologize to the administration. I forgot last Thursday was the fifth anniversary of President Bush's 'Mission Accomplished' declaration. I'm sorry! Usually on that day, I let the president dress up in a flight suit and land on me. But at least the White House has gained some perspective on that fateful day [on screen: video of WH Press Sec. Dana Perino saying Bush realizes he should have clarified which mission he thought went well]. Oh, oh. And that the war should have been more carefully planned and probably shouldn't have been started. But really, half a decade into the war, the one thing the Bush administration would have changed is the banner font. Should have gone with Times Courier, d'oh." --Jon Stewart
"Folks, today is Monday, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, which means it must be time for, 'Indecision '08, The Long Flat Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March to the White House.' The United States election is headed to Guam, where residents of our nation's 32nd largest island ... in your face Hinchinbrook Island, Alaska! ... got a chance to weigh in, reaping the benefits of America's 1944 retaking of the turd-shaped paradise. ... They split Guam! It's like two miles wide. They split it. The margin would have been even closer, but the Ferguson's canoe got hit by a sea turtle." --Jon Stewart
"There is one small problem with the gas tax vacation [on screen: Clinton telling ABC's George Stephanopoulos that she isn't going to 'put [her] lot in' with economists on the gas tax issue]. Really? Even on economic issues? I mean, I can understand health-related things. You're not going to go to an economist and say 'Hey, what's this?' There, you go with a doctor. What's happened to her? One of the most educated people to ever run for president, Wellesley grad, Yale Law, former first lady, sitting senator, and not from some bullsh*t state either. ... I was pandering. All of a sudden, she's rejecting the opinions of experts, speaking with a folksy accent, threatening to obliterate Iran. I mean, it's like, 'Oh my God! He's never leaving. In one way or another, he'll always be our president [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush]." --Jon Stewart