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Temat: Joke thread:
And another one of my redneck jokes:Tips for Moving South...Yee-Haw!
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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Temat: Joke thread:
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
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Temat: Joke thread:
And this is downright hilariuos:You might be a Redneck JEDI if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
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Temat: Joke thread:
<dsbnh|VC> saw chocolate boxer shorts yesterday<dsbnh|VC> first thing that hit me was "may contain nuts"
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Temat: Joke thread:
<omgwtf> did you guys hear about that actress who got stabbed<omgwtf> reese
<omgwtf> reese something
<Boon> witherspoon?
<omgwtf> no with a knife
<omgwtf> HAHA!
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Temat: Joke thread:
<@parasyte> I went straight towards my room where my nice large full size bed I had since I was 5 years old awaited me. I opened the door and...<@parasyte> ... there is my sister, riding her fat boyfriend, fucking his brains out.
<@parasyte> My first thought was, "Wow, she had perky tits". My second thought was, "Wow, so does he",
Lidia K. +
Temat: Joke thread:
yuck, was having my breakfast, J
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Temat: Joke thread:
sorry, was (un)intentional____
<kisama> man, i am rocking to this backstreet boys shit
Bernd
Schreckenberg
I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...
Temat: Joke thread:
One of my faves:A plane is about to crash and the pilot orders the stewardess to make the passengers jump out on parachutes. After five minutes she's back, reporting to be finished. Baffled asks the pilot how she could do it so quickly.
'Easy', the stewardess says.
'To the Americans I said: I give you five bucks if you jump - and they jumped.'
'To the Germans I said: JUMP! - And they jumped.'
'To the Poles I said: Nah, you aint jumping...'
'WHAT?', the Poles snapped, 'OF COURSE we're jumping!"
:))))
Lidia K. +
Temat: Joke thread:
Bernd Schreckenberg:a good one again!!!
'To the Poles I said: Nah, you aint jumping...'
'WHAT?', the Poles snapped, 'OF COURSE we're jumping!"
give us some more, B!
Aleksandra P. Specjalista HR
Temat: Joke thread:
Tatiana S.:
You might be a Redneck JEDI if...
Speaking of Rednecks, here are some Redneck's pick up lines:
Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
Bernd
Schreckenberg
I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...
Temat: Joke thread:
When I was little, very popular were "little Fritz" jokes :)One goes like this:
Little Fritz comes home late and his mother asks him why. Little Fritz says: "An old lady lost five Marks on the street and everybody around me was looking for it. But they couldn't find it."
"So why did it take so long? Why didn't you come home?", his mother wants to know.
"Because I had to wait until everybody is gone", Fritz says.
"But why?", his mother inquieres.
"Because I was standing on the five Marks", Fritz smiles.
:)
Bernd
Schreckenberg
I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...
Temat: Joke thread:
Let's go the Beastie Boys style and post "some old bullshit":What's green and becomes by pressing a button red?
A frog in a blender.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two chocolates fall down the stairs.
Says the first one: "Boy, I guess I broke all my rips."
"That's nothing", the second says, "I squished my nuts, man."
---------------------------------------------------------
What says the crocodile afer it ate a clown?
-Tasted kinda funny.
----------------------------------------------------------
Farmer and his menial are working on the field. Suddenly it starts to rain and the ground becomes muddy.
"Go get me both boots from the farmhouse", says the farmer.
So the menial goes.
In the famrhouse he stroles right into the kitchen where the farmer's wife and her maidservant are preparing the food.
They look at him, all dirty and wet and ask: "What do you want?"
"The farmer said", says the menial, "I should fuck you!"
"What?, both snap, "that's nonsense!"
"You don't believe me?", the menial says, "Wait!"
So he opens the kitchen window and screams out to the farmer: "Oi, boss! Both of them?"
The farmer screams back: "Sure both of them! As I said, goddamnit!"
:))))
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Temat: Joke thread:
apparently a true story (original spelling, syntax and punctuation):- so when i worked at Starbucks in little rock, there was this super hot 18 year old, miss teen usa right
- she came in one day and was talking to me and told me when she was brushing her hair that morning, a lot of it came out.. she then continues to explain that she thought she had 'chemo'
- a week later she comes in and uses some mouthwash, and then swallows it. I point out to her that it says on the back if accidently swallowed to call poison control immediately
- she reads the label and looks at me and says "Oh.. it's ok. I didn't do it on accident"
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Temat: Joke thread:
for all you internet addicts:- "StumbleUpon has temporarily run out of sites relevant to you. Please sign up for more topics"
- wtf?
- i've run out of internet!
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Temat: Joke thread:
(Bucks) do you hate midgets?(@Fantasy) yep, I blame that evil midget in rehab
(refused) no rehab is complete without an evil midget
(@Fantasy) headbutted me in the balls
(refused) LOL
(@Fantasy) and he was the perfect height
(refused) rofl
(Bucks) rofl
(@Fantasy) his head was literally crotch height
(refused) who the fuck even does that
(@Fantasy) that midget
(refused) ... yeah obviously... but come on.
(@Fantasy) after you spend a month making midget jokes
(refused) lol
(@Fantasy) to a cocaine addict in rehab
(@Fantasy) then on family/friends day having all your friends make fun of his midget kind
(@Fantasy) he came up and said something like "stop shitting, dog"
(refused) you kinda deserved it then
(@Fantasy) I laughed
(@Fantasy) he said you want to start something
(@Fantasy) I said say it to my face
(@Fantasy) and LAUGHED
(@Fantasy) he headbutted me in the balls
(@Fantasy) I was on the ground
(refused) yeah of course
(@Fantasy) crying
(refused) I'd give that fucking midget a medal
(@Fantasy) so he squatted down and said "stop messing with me"
(@Fantasy) right in my face
(Bucks) what an awesome midget
(@Fantasy) had to get a new roommate after that
(@Fantasy) since the midget was my roommate
(@Fantasy) and since then I've been afraid of midgets
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Temat: Joke thread:
christ how long does a reboot taketook him 3 days
_________________________
lol this guy was showing me his new phone at work the other day
so while i was looking at it i changed his contact entry for his dad to my number
just got a call from him and answered with "hello son, i dont love you and your adopted"
cant stop laughing
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Temat: Joke thread:
An international medical convention.A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
Ilter
K.
Business Developer,
Music Producer, AVID
Certified Instru...
Temat: Joke thread:
Well, before it becomes oldfashioned...Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up: "Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc..."
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
- My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him: "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny,
"He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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