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This is a diet for all the stressed women of the world... it was specially formulated to assist you cope with life in general!

BREAKFAST:

1 grapefruit
1 slice of Wholemeal Toast (dry)
1 cup of skim milk

LUNCH:

1 small portion of lean steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup of herbal tea
1 Penguin biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA:

The rest of the Penguin biscuits from the pack
1 whole tub of Gino Ginelli icecream with chocolate topping

DINNER:

4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves of garlic bread
1 large family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK:

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember! "Stressed" spelt backwards is "DESSERTS"

Pass this message on to four women and you will lose 5lbs.
Pass it along to every woman you know and you will lose 20lbs.

Ignore or delete this message and you will gain 25lbs.

Here's some advice for you!!!

Dr Neil proclaimed that the way to find inner peace and relieve stress was to finish off all the things you have started but not finished!

I looked around my place at the things I had started, but not finished. So before I left the house today I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bottle of baileys, a packet of penguins, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltins and a box of chocolates... you have no idea how good I feel...!!!
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

Temat: Joke thread:

Thanks, Wendy, that's so cool!
I like the final part of the advice about finishing all that's been started.

And this is an (old) list of
THINGS STRESSED WOMEN SAY AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf %$# yourself.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

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(I use these as my GG description titles)
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Lidia, this is the best thing I've read today. One could laugh one's 'something' off!
Which is your favourite? hahahaWendy Tweed edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.05.08 o godzinie 22:08
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Agnieszka S.

Agnieszka S. *

Temat: Joke thread:

Wendy, and Lidia, these are good :D
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

Temat: Joke thread:

hehe, thanks, I've had them for a long time on my pulpit, gold dust basically

and, hmmm... I guess 11 and 12 ;)
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Sylwia Łubkowska

Sylwia Łubkowska Nauczyciel oraz
tłumacz j.
angielskiego

Temat: Joke thread:

These are brilliant, Lidka ;)) I like the one about stress ;)

And yes, Wendy, yours are cool too!Sylwia Łubkowska edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.05.08 o godzinie 22:13
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15, 18 and 23 aren't bad, either.
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

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26 is reserved for my PMS days

glad to hear that you like it, girls :)
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When I want to sound intelligent, I will use 22.Wendy Tweed edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.05.08 o godzinie 22:17
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Sylwia Łubkowska

Sylwia Łubkowska Nauczyciel oraz
tłumacz j.
angielskiego

Temat: Joke thread:

I like no.1 ;D
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

Temat: Joke thread:

Wendy Tweed:
15, 18 and 23 aren't bad, either.
Wendy, it took me a while to figure out No. 18.
You must be a sort of intellectual to prefer this one :)
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Temat: Joke thread:

Lidia K.:
Wendy Tweed:
15, 18 and 23 aren't bad, either.
Wendy, it took me a while to figure out No. 18.
You must be a sort of intellectual to prefer this one :)
They expect me to be that what you say, but I work like a miner...
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Number 11 is very useful.
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Since I just got a call from an obnoxious Client, and have to find a way to deal with stress (otherwise look for any news starting with "Mayhem in Kraków - 28 killed...") as was supposed to take a nice bubbly bath and go to bed with, well, a book (pathetic, eh?), there you go, ways to deal with stress:

(WARNING: do not attempt these at home. This should only be used for joke purposes.)

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription to "Deer Hunter's Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. (Please don't try this one.)

19. Polish your car with earwax.

20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

Have a Great Day!!! unless you have other plans.Tatiana S. edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.05.08 o godzinie 22:50
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Lidia K.

Lidia K. +

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You got me laughing, Tatiana!

No. 24 is the best!!!
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Agnieszka S.

Agnieszka S. *

Temat: Joke thread:

Tatiana S.:
This is sooooocool :))))

I also like 24 the most :D and 14 is fun ;)Agnieszka S. edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.05.08 o godzinie 22:42
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Temat: Joke thread:

Source: http://bash.org.

<Poyzin> The vet supervisor was asking me to jack off a horse to get the semen to artificially inseminate a female horse.

<Kilts> wtf lol

<Poyzin> But listen! This was a racehorse, so the owner says that I need to massage it's prostate. I'm assuming you don't know this, but the prostate on a horse is VERY fucking far back there.

<Poyzin> So, I get on the arm-length glove and I look in the room to see another doctor with a cat or something. Tells me we had too many animals so the horse was moved to a room close to the front.

<Poyzin> Well, I get there, and I put my arm in this horse's ass. I'm talkin' less than a foot from my shoulder deep. All in clear view.

<Kilts> ROFLMAO

<Poyzin> And then some redneck couple come in and they see me because this front room has shit protection on it.

<Poyzin> "You a vet?" The guy ask. I wait a few seconds to see if he was joking, but then I look back to the horse's asshole.

<Poyzin> "Nah, I'm with the Amish. I'm their mechanic."
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aaand a couple more

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

<Myrf> I was giving some guy a job interview today, and it turned out he didn't know who the Beatles were.
<Myrf> So, of course, I had to turn him down :P
<bozz> wtf, a bunch of people don't know who the beatles are
<bozz> whyd you have to turn him down just because of that
<Myrf> Dude, I work at a RECORD STORE.
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Joanna P.

Joanna P. ;>

Temat: Joke thread:

Got today from one of my clients:)
--
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted to go our and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see is she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her lags open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening".
So, Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something"?
"No" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"
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