пропозиції роботи
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
I like this little orange guy ;) (myself have a cat called... Tequila)
I like this little orange guy ;) (myself have a cat called... Tequila)
Keith
Byrne
Director, Select
Training Solutions
Temat: Joke thread:
In careers guidance at the convent school, the Mother Superior asked Mary "What do you want to be when you leave school?" Mary replies "I'm going to be a high-class prostitute!""You're going to be WHAT!?", demanded the shocked Mother Superior
"You know, a hooker", explained Mary
"Thanks be to God!" sighed the Mother Superior
"I thought you said 'Prostitute'!"
Ilter
K.
Business Developer,
Music Producer, AVID
Certified Instru...
Temat: Joke thread:
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word" Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love"
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word" the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story:
Never make a woman angry... there will be HELL to pay for later!
Ilter
K.
Business Developer,
Music Producer, AVID
Certified Instru...
Temat: Joke thread:
*Waves his hands* Tatiana!>>>
:)
I have 2 cats called Aslan and Atomikilter Kalkanci edytował(a) ten post dnia 24.04.08 o godzinie 19:28
Keith
Byrne
Director, Select
Training Solutions
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
Man : God, why did you make women so beautiful?God: So that you would love them.
Man : God, but why did you make them so dumb?
God: So that they would love you.
Joanna P. ;>
Temat: Joke thread:
Most of you know it in polish, probably:) Anyway...--
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL ... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT BUTT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BUM ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???
---
;)
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
HOW TO MAKE LOVEIngredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
Spread ALL four legs? I say it might be a tad uncomfortable :-PTemat: Joke thread:
Jarek Adamowski:
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
3. If cake rises, leave town.
:D:D:D
Keith
Byrne
Director, Select
Training Solutions
Temat: Joke thread:
Tatiana S.:
Spread ALL four legs? I say it might be a tad uncomfortable :-P
Be fair, Tatiana, he said spread the well-shaped ones. The crooked hairy ones stay together!
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
Well the recipe calls for four well.shaped legs. What a strange world are we living in.
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
It could be a double-size recipe, with two mixing bowls. As long as the banana is young and fresh you still only need one of them.Steven H. edytował(a) ten post dnia 01.05.08 o godzinie 21:04
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
Since I'm way too lazy to check if there already is a video spoof thread, I'm posting this here.May the force be with ye.
Temat: Joke thread:
A D.I.'s Rules for Dating His Daughter:Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Keith
Byrne
Director, Select
Training Solutions
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
Keith, what did you mean by "but"? Eh?Tatiana S. edytował(a) ten post dnia 10.05.08 o godzinie 09:33
Tim Harrell Lektor Angielskiego
Temat: Joke thread:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts then fall asleep after each work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.Tim Harrell edytował(a) ten post dnia 10.05.08 o godzinie 09:38
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
An English pofessor wrote the words:"A woman without her man is nothing."
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
konto usunięte
Temat: Joke thread:
NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARK FARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JTRt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
LondonSWIPSJR
16 May 2007
Dear Secretary of State.
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000
from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the
"not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinión, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best
breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with
all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I
will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds
such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Oíd Spots, or are there too many people already
not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of
how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority
courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this
year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
íf I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to opérate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not
raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in
not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs
not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your
department. Incidentaliy, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbón
credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I
understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for
payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information
you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set
aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I
seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will
therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
Nisel Johnson-Hill
Podobne tematy
-
Anglosphere » Girlie thread -
-
Anglosphere » nameday thread :) -
-
Anglosphere » Thread to amuse Joj: -
-
Anglosphere » The Emotional thread -
-
Anglosphere » Controversy thread: -
-
Anglosphere » FFF: another pirate thread -
-
Anglosphere » Saint Sebastian thread: -
-
Anglosphere » Mom Appreciation Thread -
-
Anglosphere » Five for friday (08.05.2009) {A pirate thread} -
-
Anglosphere » The Moustache Thread -
Następna dyskusja:
