Temat: Bad sex awards 2008:

http://antickmusings.blogspot.com/2008/11/guardian-bad...

Guardian Bad Sex Award: 2008
The British newspaper The Guardian (renowned in song and story as Teh Grauniad for their error-filled past) has an annual award for the worst sex scene -- grandly called the Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction award.

This year saw a strong group of nominees -- including Alastair Campbell, Paulo Coelho, Simon Montefiore, Isabel Fonseca, and perennial contender John Updike.

Samples from several of the nominated novels -- though not, sadly, either Updike or Coelho -- are also available, to potentially make you swear off sex for the rest of your life.

And, just yesterday, the winner was announced: Rachel Johnson, for her novel Shire Hell. A special lifetime achievement award was also presented to Updike, who has now been nominated for the award four years running.

Johnson won in large part due to her flood of animal metaphors, such as:

...his hands find my bush, and with light fingers he flutters about there, as if he is a moth caught inside a lampshade. ...puts his tongue to my core, like a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop. I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me. I really do hope at this point that all the Spodders are, as requested, attending the meeting about slug clearance or whatever it is.warren whitmore edytował(a) ten post dnia 07.12.08 o godzinie 21:30

Temat: Bad sex awards 2008:

John Updike, who was awarded a lifetime achievement award for this genre:

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Villages by John Updike (Hamish Hamilton)

A flock of crows, six or eight, raucously rasping at one another, thrashed into the top of an oak on the edge of the square of sky. The heavenly invasion made his heart race; he looked down at his prick, silently begging it not to be distracted; his mind fought skidding into crows and woods, babies and Phyllis, and his prick stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a single drop of pure seminal yearning. He felt suspended at the top of an arc. Faye leaned back on the blanket, arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows.

Faye took him in hand. He slipped in. He became an adulterer. He went for the last inch. She grunted, at her own revelation. His was that her cunt did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze. It was soon over. He could not help himself, he was so excited, proud, and nervous. When he was done, he opened his eyes, and saw this stranger's face an inch from his, seemingly asleep, the closed eyelids showing a thin pulse, her long lips curved self-lullingly

Genius.

Temat: Bad sex awards 2008:

Winkler by Giles Coren (Jonathan Cape)

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Temat: Bad sex awards 2008:

Oh yeah, Updike. He always baffles me, and makes me think what kind of sexual encounters he's had in his life.

"less of a sauce, more of a glaze"

eeek.

Temat: Bad sex awards 2008:

jumped around and

rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and

Was she wearing dentures? I stopped reading because I dont want get to the part where he feels her silky colostomy bag.

...and I used to love Saki, e.g., "Tobermory," "The Open Window" etc. Not any more. All the same :)