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Marek
B.
Sales Manager,
softnetSPORT
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
A catholic priest has raised a dispute with Ebay...he claims a Wii gameboy he received isn't what he was expecting.Marek B. edytował(a) ten post dnia 09.09.09 o godzinie 10:27
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
HIGHWAY TO HELL - AUTOSTRADA NA HELNEVER ENDING STORY - BARDZO DLUGIE ZASLONY
DON'T MAKE A VILLAGE - NIE ROB WIOCHY
I TOWER YOU - WIERZE CI
DON'T TEAR YOURSELF - NIE DRZYJ SIE
GLASGOW - SZKLO POSZLO
GO OUT ON PEOPLE - WYJSC NA LUDZI
WITHOUT SMALL GARDEN - BEZ OGRODEK
I'M FROM BEEFTOWN- JESTEM Z WOLOMINA
UNIVERSAL PREGNANCY LAW- PRAWO POWSZECHNEGO CIAZENIA
BRAIN TIRE FIRE - ZAPALENIE OPON MOZGOWYCH
TO GO TO THE SECOND PAGE OF THE STREET - PRZEJSC NA DRUGA STRONE ULICY
DO YOU DIVIDE MY SENTENCE - CZY PODZIELASZ MOJE ZDANIE
HERITAGE OF PRICES - SPADEK CEN
TO MAKE THE PROFIT ON TIME - ZYSKAC NA CZASIE
RAILWAY ON YOU - KOLEJ NA CIEBIE
TO DIVORCE THE FACTS - ROZWODZIC SIE NAD FAKTAMI
CAN YOU THROW ME UP - MOZESZ MNIE PODRZUCIC
MY GIRLFRIEND IS VERY EXPENSIVE TO ME - MOJA DZIEWCZYNA JEST MI BARDZO DROGA
POST HIM SHOPING - WYSLAC GO NA ZAKUPY
LITTLE BUSINESS OF MOVEMENT - KIOSK RUCHU
Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
Marcin
K.
Nigdy nie jest tak
dobrze, żeby nie
mogło być lepiej.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Vietnamese have a particular problem with pronunciation,in particular, the final consonant in most words.An EFL teacher has a few business classes which involve using the word "Fax". When this is said with an uncorrected Vietnamese accent, of course the "eks" pronunciation of the "X" is missining and becomes a "K", so the word "Fax" sounds like "Fak".The Viets then go into a conversation role play that goes like this:
S1: I tried to fak you yesterday, but you weren't in.
S2: I would have been very happy to receive your fak, but at the time I was faking somebody else-sorry.
S1: So if I fak you tomorrow at about 2 pm will that be ok?
S2: Yes, you can fak me any time you like.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Why do some men claim to be sexual athlets?Because they always come first.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Man:'Doctor,doctor, what's wrong with me?'
Doctor:'You're mad.'
Man:'Ha! I want a second opinion.'
Doctor:'All right, you're stupid as well.'
Daniel
D.
Captain Morgan's
Party
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
SHIT HAPPENS.# Taoism: Shit happens.
# Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
# Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
# Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
# Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
# Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
# Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
# Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
# Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
# Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
# Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
# Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
# Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
# Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
# Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
# Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
# Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
# Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
# Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
# Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
# Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
# Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
# Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
# Creationism: God made all shit.
# Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
# Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
# Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
# Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
# Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
# Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
# Darwinism: This shit was once food.
# Capitalism: That's MY shit.
# Communism: It's everybody's shit.
# Feminism: Men are shit.
# Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
# Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
# Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
# Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
# Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
# Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
# Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
# Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
# Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
# Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
# Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
# Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
# Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
# Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
# Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
# Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
# Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
# Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
# Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
# Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
# Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
# Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
# Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
# Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
# Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
# Atheism: What shit?
# Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
# Nihilism: No shit.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Aleksandra G.:
Vietnamese have a particular problem with pronunciation,in particular, the final consonant in most words.
A moja kochana narzeczona kiedyś chciała się spytać Chrisa, czy jest wegetarianinem, jednak wyszło jej:
- Are You vegetable?
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
- My dog's got no nose!- How does he smell?
- Awful.
Lucyna
C.
Pracownik Sluzby
Zdrowia
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
A husband and wife are having an argument when the husband yells angrily: When you die I'm going to get you a headstone "Here lies my wife, cold as ever".Yeah, replies the wife, well, when you die, yours will read "Here lies my husband, stiff at last!!!"
Marek
B.
Sales Manager,
softnetSPORT
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
My Neighbours --- the lesbians next door --- asked mewhat I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Bartosz
Z.
Life is not a
destination - it's a
journey
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Zwroty z okolic Dublina:AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB - A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze Cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a Booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER - The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it. i.e. 'I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter'.
BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. 'Couple of Britneys please, Doreen'.
BUDGIE'S TONGUE - The female erection.
DOUBLE-BASS - A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie'sTongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK - A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON - Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
F*ckSh*tF*ckSh*tF*ckSh*t - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT - A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from then outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo Oo!Aa!Aa!Aa!'.
MUMBLER - An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PICASSO ARSE - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT - Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e. g. 'That mumbler looks quite fit'
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT - A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.
TITANIC - A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER - A lesbian.
UP ON BLOCKS - Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. 'I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks'.
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. 'Pint'
http://destylernia.blox.pl/2009/08/Ciasne-Spodnie.html
Marcin
K.
Nigdy nie jest tak
dobrze, żeby nie
mogło być lepiej.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
After the Princess Diana's death Charles is taking a walk while a neighbour greets him:- Morning!
-No, just walking my dogs!
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Have you heard Diana radio, Diana telly...She died, indeed.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
She never dyed her hair though.
Mariusz Sadurski Marketing & PR
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
How does a "white" fairy tale begin?"A long, long time ago..."
And how does a black fairy tale begin?
"Yo motherfucker you ain"t gonna believe this!"
Dawid W. Fight Club
Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Aleksandra G.:outpepper yourself ;P
HIGHWAY TO HELL - AUTOSTRADA NA HEL
NEVER ENDING STORY - BARDZO DLUGIE ZASLONY
DON'T MAKE A VILLAGE - NIE ROB WIOCHY
I TOWER YOU - WIERZE CI
DON'T TEAR YOURSELF - NIE DRZYJ SIE
GLASGOW - SZKLO POSZLO
GO OUT ON PEOPLE - WYJSC NA LUDZI
WITHOUT SMALL GARDEN - BEZ OGRODEK
I'M FROM BEEFTOWN- JESTEM Z WOLOMINA
UNIVERSAL PREGNANCY LAW- PRAWO POWSZECHNEGO CIAZENIA
BRAIN TIRE FIRE - ZAPALENIE OPON MOZGOWYCH
TO GO TO THE SECOND PAGE OF THE STREET - PRZEJSC NA DRUGA STRONE ULICY
DO YOU DIVIDE MY SENTENCE - CZY PODZIELASZ MOJE ZDANIE
HERITAGE OF PRICES - SPADEK CEN
TO MAKE THE PROFIT ON TIME - ZYSKAC NA CZASIE
RAILWAY ON YOU - KOLEJ NA CIEBIE
TO DIVORCE THE FACTS - ROZWODZIC SIE NAD FAKTAMI
CAN YOU THROW ME UP - MOZESZ MNIE PODRZUCIC
MY GIRLFRIEND IS VERY EXPENSIVE TO ME - MOJA DZIEWCZYNA JEST MI BARDZO DROGA
POST HIM SHOPING - WYSLAC GO NA ZAKUPY
LITTLE BUSINESS OF MOVEMENT - KIOSK RUCHU
Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'Student: I is..
Teacher: No, Always say, 'I am.'
Student: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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