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Lucyna C.

Lucyna C. Pracownik Sluzby
Zdrowia

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Amerykański żołnierz do polskiego:
- We have George Bush, we have Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. And what
you have?
Polak odpowiada:
- We have Lech kaczyński. No wonder, no hope, no cash.Marek Mitrofaniuk edytował(a) ten post dnia 27.02.08 o godzinie 17:47
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Ewa A.:
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Kolejny nie koniecznie smieszny tylko z jezyku angielskim. (-; No ale juz sie nie czepiam...
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Jesteś niekonsekwentny, bo jednak się czepiasz... ;)

- Name those 5 KINGS who has brought lots of happines into peoples lives.
- smoKING, drinKING, sucKING, licKING and fucKING.
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Zadanie z angielskiego:
wstaw znaki przestankowe do zdania "a woman without her man is nothing"

Mężczyźni uzupełnili tak:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.

Natomiast kobiety tak:
A woman - without her, man is nothing!
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Anna K.

Anna K. Transportation
Analyst

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,

The Lord said,'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly
help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied: "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
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Basia K.

Basia K. dziennikarstwo,
kreacja, walka z
ograniczeniami
technicznymi

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

fonetyczny
-What is better than roses on the piano?
-Tulips on the organ
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konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I
would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the
world do you need cyanide? 'The lady replied, 'I need it to poison
my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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Szymon Flaka

Szymon Flaka "The harder I
practice, the
luckier I get"

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. ! ! I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'
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Malgorzata F.

Malgorzata F. Project Manager

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Mickey Mouse is coming home and says to his wife Minnie Mouse:

- That's it, I want a divorce!
- Are you fuckin' crazy?
- No, I'm fucking Daisy :)
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Malgorzata F.

Malgorzata F. Project Manager

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Ewa A.:
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

Z podobnej beczki:

What do you call a three legged donkey?
- a wonky
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Malgorzata F.

Malgorzata F. Project Manager

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Marek Mitrofaniuk:
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They end an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".
He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.
A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up". The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says,"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside, and shouts:
Supplies


Boski, boski, boski!!! :)))))))))))))))))) Moj ulubiony od dzisiaj
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Piotr Maciborko

Piotr Maciborko Kierownik Projektu,
Kierownik budowy,
Inspektor nadzoru

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

- My mother went on a trip testerday
- Jamaica
- Nope, she wanted to...
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Mariusz Sadurski

Mariusz Sadurski Marketing & PR

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

- Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
- They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason

- - -

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.

- - -

- Why do you live like a nun after you get married?
- Nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, nun in the evening.Mariusz Sadurski edytował(a) ten post dnia 26.06.08 o godzinie 23:55
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konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

CONSUL: Your name, please?
ARAB: Syed Jasim.
CONSUL: Sex?
ARAB: 6 times a week.
CONSUL: I mean, male or female?
ARAB: Both male and female, sometimes even camel.
CONSUL: Holly cow!
ARAB: Yes, cows and dogs too.
CONSUL: Man, isn't that hostile?
ARAB: Horse style, doggystyle, any style!
CONSUL: Oh, dear!
ARAB: Deer? No deer! Hole too high and runs too fast!
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Paweł T.

Paweł T. .

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Stare, bo się część nazwisk pozmieniało, ale zawsze mnie bawiło:

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Marek B.

Marek B. Sales Manager,
softnetSPORT

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above:
“Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell
your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his
store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the
$3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go
to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but
knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a
card.” What? The dealer has – “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to
hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another
card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s
another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands.
I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.
Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes:

“un-fucking-believable!”
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