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Łukasz Syrnik

Łukasz Syrnik Master Data
Management w 3M EMEA
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

moze jakas ekspedientka ze sklepu miesnego?
moze nie jest bardzo inteligentna, ale zna cos wiecej z angielskiego niz 'what'

what??
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They end an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".
He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.
A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up". The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says,"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside, and shouts:
Supplies
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Pewna londynska firma zamiescila w prasie ogloszenie o prace.
Odpowiedzialy na nie trzy osoby: Niemiec, Francuz i Hindus. Komisja
przeprowadzajaca rozmowe kwalifikacyjna chcac sprawdzic poziom
znajomosci jezyka angielskiego u kandydatów polecila, aby kazdy z nich ulozyl zdanie, które zawierac bedzie trzy slowa: green, pink i yellow.
Na pierwszy ogien poszedl Niemiec:
- When I wake up I see yellow sun, green grass and I think to myself
that will be wonderful, pink day.
Jako drugi byl Francuz:
-When I wake up I put my green pants, yellow socks and pink shirt.
Na koniec Hindus:
-When come back home I hear the telephone green green, so I pink up the phone and say: Yellow!Grzegorz K. edytował(a) ten post dnia 20.12.07 o godzinie 15:42
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Karolina Racławska

Karolina Racławska revolve to evolve

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Marek Mitrofaniuk:
>The panda
whips out a dictionary and reads out loud the following entry: "Panda: A mammal indigenous to China. Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves.Marek Mitrofaniuk edytował(a) ten post dnia 16.12.07 o godzinie 22:08


boskie! :)
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.
While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."
"Really? Like what?" says the other.
"Over here, they eat dogs."
Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"
"Yeah, they sure do."
"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."
After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.
"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.
Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.
When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.
She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um... which part did you get?"
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto" and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

What do Osama bin Laden and pair of tights have in common? They both irritate Bush.
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Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Pardon, że nie chce mi się tłumaczyć, ale ktoś kiedyś wyśmiał moje tłumaczenie czegoś innego i mam uraz ;) więc wolę wrzucić w oryginale :)

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them!"
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Przepraszam bardzo, ale mialy to być dowcipy śmieszne wyłącznie po angielsku. Wspominalem o tym wyżej (-:
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet . . .
"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"
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Ola J.

Ola J. specjalista
ds.finansow

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Łukasz Syrnik:
Długawe troche ale warto...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter continues, "Yes, I know, Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here they are." And, he read the following questions:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's name?

Forest goes away to think about the questions. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer them.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one," says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second ..."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."

"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."

"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"

"Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

I dodam koncowke dowcipu: St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, Run!!!"

Oj wykonczyl mnie ten dowcip. Bylam strasznie confuse: o co do... chodzi z tym Andy Howard.

Az poszukalam w sieci i wiem...ale tylko skad sie wzial Andy. Za nic nie umiem sie polapac o co chodzi z tym Howardem.

Przy okazji dla ciekawych dowiedzialam sie co to "mondegreen": A mondegreen is the mishearing (usually unintentional) of a phrase as a homophone or near-homophone in such a way that it acquires a new meaning.

Tak wiec prosze ukrucic moje meki i niech ktos mi powie skad wzial sie Howard

ps. jestem blondynka wiec nie obawiam sie pytac o znaczenie dowcipu :)
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Ola J.

Ola J. specjalista
ds.finansow

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

znalazlam odp i zanudze zaciekawionych:

And there was a prayer we said there that went "Our father who art in heaven hallow be thy name..." but being so little I misinterpreted it as "Our father who art in heaven Howard be thy name"
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Marek B.

Marek B. Sales Manager,
softnetSPORT

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Baby Penguin waddled up to his dad and said ' Dad, do you love me?'

His dad said 'Yes son, of course I do, why do you ask?'

Baby said 'Dad, if I ask you a question you won't get annoyed or lie to me will you?'

'No' said his dad 'What's the question?'

Baby looked at him with sad eyes and said 'Are you my real daddy?'

His dad smiled and said 'Of course I am son.'

Off Baby waddled to his mum and said 'Mum do you love me?'

Mum said 'Yes son, of course I do. What a daft question?'

Baby said 'Mum, if I ask you a question you won''t lie to me, or get angry. will you?'

'Of course not' she said 'go ahead.'

Baby looked at her with tears in his eyes and said ' Are you my real mummy?'

His mum smiled and said 'Of course I am son. Why? What's the matter.'

And Baby said ' I'm fcuking freezing.'
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Mariusz T.

Mariusz T. Być zwyciężonym i
nie ulec to
zwycięstwo,
zwyciężyć i spo...

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

-Name?
-Abdul Palah Sarafi
-Sex?
-4 times a week.
-No,no,no.Male or female?
-Male,female sometimes camel.
-Oh dear!!
-No.Deer run too fast.
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Marcin K.

Marcin K. Kredyty, back office

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

WORKSTATION
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk is a workstation... what more can I say...

PERFECT WIFE
7 qualities to be a perfect wife: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organised. In short, she must have B.R.E.A.S.T.S
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

zaczęrpniete z innego wątku...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7KNkS0mfgg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PlY4jfPIv6w
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

podczas zajęć z angielskiego na Uniwerku wykladowca opowiedział nam taki dowcip:

W Chinach dziennikarz z Europy Zachodniej pyta przypadkowego przechodnia:
- Do you believe in free elections in this country?
- oh yes! especially in the morning...Marek Mitrofaniuk edytował(a) ten post dnia 16.02.08 o godzinie 20:53
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Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

The latest poll taken by the Government asked people who live in Ireland
if they think Polish immigration is a serious problem:
23% of respondents answered: Yes, it is a serious problem.
77% of respondents answered: Absolutnie zaden
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Lucyna C.

Lucyna C. Pracownik Sluzby
Zdrowia

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.

'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws):
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
hose who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law. ?

????????????????????

???????????????????????????
?
????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????
?
?
?
?
?
'AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'
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