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Jacek Kacprzak

Jacek Kacprzak Mam wyje*ane...

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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Radek J.

Radek J. Nauczyciel, trener
EFT

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku


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Benny K.

Benny K. Iluzjonista "Nie
słowa lecz czyny
mówią prawdę"-własne

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku


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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku


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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku


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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku


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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

- Grandpa, do you still have sex with Grandma?
- Yes, but just oral sex.
- What's oral sex?
- I say fuck you, she says fuck you too...
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Little Johnny is sitting in the bath inspecting his package below and asks "Mum, are these my brains?" and mum replies" No son not yet, not yet"
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Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Recently heard on El Al flights upon landing at Ben-Gurion:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."
"To those of you still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay... and to those of you already standing in the aisles, talking on cell phones, and pushing to the front, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome home."
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Radek J.

Radek J. Nauczyciel, trener
EFT

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

I saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP!, SHARK! HELP!"
I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
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