GoldenLine
Zaloguj się
Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Wrzućcie tu jesli znacie jakies, dobrze znać takie jesli sie jest
za granicą (-:

Dodaje, że powinny być to dowcipy śmieszne jedynie w jezyku angielskim, Inne zawsze mozna sobie przetłumaczyc...
-------------------------------------------

Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...
------------------------------------
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I do not like Chinese.
The First Officer replies:
- Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?
- You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says:
- No likee Jew.
- Why not? Why do not you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same.
------------------------------------
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying:
-"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
-"OH NO!"- the Bush exclaims.- "That"s terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks:
-"How many is a brazillion?"
-------------------------------------------Marek Mitrofaniuk edytował(a) ten post dnia 16.12.07 o godzinie 22:03
Link do wypowiedziLink
Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."

------------------

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50, gave it to her and said he'd call her whenever he had another job for her to do. The blond thanked him and as she was walking back down the path, she called out "And by the way, I know everybody thinks blondes are stupid, but I thought you should know that it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

suuuuper,

chwilowo wam nic nie dorzuce, ale mozecie liczyc na mnie w przyszlosci (blizej nieokreslonej ;)

pozdrowionka,
mjk
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs".

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
Link do wypowiedziLink
Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Niezupełnie po angielsku, ale... a, zresztą, sami przeczytajcie:

Na wycieczce do Anglii, przewodnik mówi do rosyjskich turystów przed ich "czasem wolnym":
- I pamiętajcie - uważajcie na sutenerów i podejrzanie wyglądajączych ludzi. Jak byście się zgubili to pytajcie o Rosyjskiego Konsula. Turyści rozeszli się, oczywiście jeden się zgubił.
Podszedł do niego sutener i mówi:
- Du you want a woman?
- No.
- A men??!!
- No!
- Then who do you want??
- Russian Consul!
- Hmm... Ok, but it will be expensive.
Link do wypowiedziLink
Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Dodaje, że powinny być to dowcipy śmieszne jedynie w jezyku angielskim, Inne zawsze mozna sobie przetłumaczyc...

a ten jest moim ulubionym (-:

A panda enters a nice Chinese restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo. The waiter gives it to the panda, and watches the panda eat all of it. Then the panda whips out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The chef in the kitchen runs out but the panda has already left the restaurant. The angry chef finally catches up to the panda and asks the panda, "Why did you just shoot my waiter?". The panda looks very surprised and asks, "What was so unusual about that?". The indigdant chef replies, "You just can't go around shooting my waiter like that and then leave!". The panda whips out a dictionary and reads out loud the following entry: "Panda: A mammal indigenous to China. Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves.Marek Mitrofaniuk edytował(a) ten post dnia 16.12.07 o godzinie 22:08
Link do wypowiedziLink
Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Customer: "You"ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won"t boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there"s a sticker saying there"s an Intel inside."
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Linux is like a wigwam, no windows, no gates and an apache inside...
Link do wypowiedziLink
Basia K.

Basia K. dziennikarstwo,
kreacja, walka z
ograniczeniami
technicznymi

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Marek Mitrofaniuk: Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves.


jest taka ksiązka o wadze interpunkcji w angielskim "eats, shoots and leaves" doskonała :)
Link do wypowiedziLink
Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Marek Mitrofaniuk:
Dodaje, że powinny być to dowcipy śmieszne jedynie w jezyku
angielskim, Inne zawsze mozna sobie przetłumaczyc...

Ta "żaluzja" to do mnie? ;)
A maś ty bzidalu:

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They arrive at the gate, and Petrus tells them that they can only come in, if they can answer a question.
So Petrus asks the first nun:
Who was the first man on Earth?
And the non says: “Oh, thats an easy one, it was Adam”
Bells ring, angels sing, and she goes to heaven.

And Petrus asks the second nun:
Who was the first woman on Earth?
And the non says: “Oh, thats an easy one, it was Eve”
Bells ring, angels sing, and she goes to heaven.

Finally Petrus asks the third nun:
What was the first words Eve sayd to Adam?
And the non says: “Oh, thats a hard one, ...”
Bells ring, angels sing, and she goes to heaven.Ewa A. edytował(a) ten post dnia 17.12.07 o godzinie 09:50
Link do wypowiedziLink
Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

[coś się wczoraj porobiło z Forum i dublowało posty]
A w powyższym zabrakło pierwszego akapitu, już uzupełniłam.
Pozdrawiam!Ewa A. edytował(a) ten post dnia 17.12.07 o godzinie 09:51
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

:) :D :)
Link do wypowiedziLink
Marek Mitrofaniuk

Marek Mitrofaniuk Wycena
nieruchomości.

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two ..."
Link do wypowiedziLink
Ewa A.

Ewa A. ______

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman.
- Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts? - asked the policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said
- No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer.
The second followed his lead and said
- My name is William, W. H. Smith.
The third said:
- My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken.
Link do wypowiedziLink
Andrzej Kulig

Andrzej Kulig animator, instruktor
rękodzieła, magister
sztuki

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

A może to ktoś przetłumaczyć?
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Andrzej Kulig:
A może to ktoś przetłumaczyć?
w dialekcie indian Navajo
Link do wypowiedziLink
Andrzej Kulig

Andrzej Kulig animator, instruktor
rękodzieła, magister
sztuki

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

? What? :)
Link do wypowiedziLink
Łukasz Syrnik

Łukasz Syrnik Master Data
Management w 3M EMEA
GMBH

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Długawe troche ale warto...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter continues, "Yes, I know, Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here they are." And, he read the following questions:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's name?

Forest goes away to think about the questions. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer them.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one," says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second ..."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."

"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."

"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"

"Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Miałem okazję wysłuchać ten kawał w oryginale. Powala :)

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Link do wypowiedziLink

konto usunięte

Temat: dowcipy po angielsku

Andrzej Kulig:
A może to ktoś przetłumaczyć?


moze jakas ekspedientka ze sklepu miesnego?
moze nie jest bardzo inteligentna, ale zna cos wiecej z angielskiego niz 'what'
Link do wypowiedziLink
« Wróć do tematów
Odpowiedz

Podobne tematy





Wyślij zaproszenie do
Anuluj